Red vs Blue: Deconstruction
by TruthXliesXtruth
Summary: There have been too many screw ups in Blood gulch after the two teams nearly killed themselves, so two new soldiers have been placed into the war. Will they help? Or just screw it all up even more? Set before the Reconstruction series.
1. The Idea

**Yeah, I don't own Halo or Red vs. Blue, but if I did, that would be so cool! Also, this takes place before all the Reconstruction stuff. So… Yeah… Enjoy or whatever. **

* * *

"Hey, I just got an idea," Grif said randomly.

"Oh. My. God." Sarge answered, astonished. "It's a sign of the apocalypse!" he screamed, "I knew they would come for use all one day! They've come to kill us all and feast on our blood! The blues must be too stupid for them! So they've come for us!"

"What?" Grif said. "No, I mean, why don't we just blow the blues up?"

"We did that before, dumbass," Simons said with a roll of his eyes.

"No, I mean, like, while being serious," Grif answered.

"Like, really serious?" Donut asked.

"Yes," Grif said. "Not joking around like normally. Seriously making some kind of attempt to kill them."

"That brilliant, _Simons_!" Sarge announced. "Pay attention, Grif, you can learn something from him."

"Thank you, Sir," Simons said.

"But it was—agh, screw it," Grif sighed. "So, how are we gonna do this?"

"I have an extent idea," Sarge yelled. "First, Grif will distract the blue team by running through their base while screaming 'I'm a pretty girl' over and over again. Then—"

"Wait, what!?" Grif yelled.

"You heard him, Grif," Simmons told him. "Now shut up!"

"Thank you, solider," Sarge said. "Now, as I was saying, after Grif distracts the blues, we'll sneak up from behind them, as there shooting at Grif—or laughing at him, which ever—and shoot their brains out! It's the perfect plan!"

"But, wait!" Grif stopped, "Won't I die or get hurt or something?"

"Your right, Sarge," Simmons said. "That _is_ the perfect plan!"

"…Kiss-ass…" Grif muttered under his breath.

"Now, When I say 'go' Grif starts to run and—"

"Wait!" Grif interrupted. "What if I refuse to be the distraction?"

" I'll show everyone the pictures I took of you and Simmons at the party!"

"..Picture?" Both Simmons and Grif asked quickly.

"What party?" Donut asked, confused.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Grif yelled suddenly, "I WAS DRUNK OFF MY ASS!"

"Looked pretty sober to me," Sarge said.

"Sarge, isn't that a little extreme?" Simmons asked

"Simmons. Are you questioning my authority?" Sarge asked

"No, Sir," Simmons said. "Whatever… you think…is right…" Simmons forced.

"Can someone please tell me about this party you're all talking about?" Donut asked.

"The one that took place while you were having a sleepover with Caboose," Sarge informed.

"Aw man, there was a party?" Donut asked, disappointed.

"So, Grif, what's it gonna be?" Sarge asked with a wide smirk hidden by his helmet.

"…Fine…" Grif muttered.

"Good!" Sarge yelled. "Now, get movin', solider. The rest of us'll attack the blues after they double over laughing!"

"Agh, yes, Sir," Grif signed as he quickly began to run over to the blue base.

"So… Sarge. You were just kidding about the picture. Right?" Simmons asked, embarrassed.

"I'd tell ya Simmons, but half the fun is you not knowin'," Sarge said with a slight chuckle.

"Right," Simons said, coping Grif's sigh, "of course, Sir."

"Good. Now let's get a move on, ladies," Sarge ordered, "Grif is probably half way to the blue base by now."


	2. Destruction of the Base

Church and Tucker stood outside the base in silence.

"Hey, how much would you bet that if we replaced our flag with the red team's flag, the red guys would think this is the red base and that their base is the blue base?" Tucker asked suddenly.

"Tucker," Church replied, rolling his eyes from in his helmet. "That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. You know the reds would have to be pretty damn stupid to even come close to falling for that?"

At that moment they heard a voice in the distance, the two blues looked over to see Grif, jogging to the base. As he ran he screamed "I'm a pretty girl" over and over again.

"Ya know," Church reconsidered, "I think that would be a pretty safe bet."

* * *

"Attaaaack!—Wait, why in Sam Hell is our flag here?" Sarge asked once he saw their flag standing strong… at the blue base. The four stood in silence.

"What's it mean?" Donut then asked.

"I'm… not sure…" Simmons answered.

"Isn't it obvious?" Sarge asked loudly. "Those cunning blue devils switched the bases on us! This must be the red base!"

"…What?" Grif questioned, shocked by his own leader's stupidity.

"Clearly those blue bastards knew that we were going to blow up their base, so they switched the bases on us. This is our base and the other base is theirs!"

"You mean the base we just came from?" Donut wondered.

"Yes! They must have outsmarted us in ways we can't even understand," Sarge yelled, "Clearly this is all Grif's fault!"

"What?" Grif cried.

"There's no time to waste!" Sarge roared. "Grif, start running back to the other base! We'll catch those damn blues!"

"Sarge, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life and I'm very shocked people actually died in this war," Grif informed him before running back to the base.

"Shut up, Grif!" Sarge yelled after him before waiting a few moments to run after him. Once they left, Church and Tucker came out of the base.

"Wow," Tucker said, "I knew they were dumb but… wow."

"Can't believe I died for this war," Church sighed.

* * *

"There it is!" Sarge yelled. "The blue base!"

"…This is _our_ base…" Grif informed him.

"Shut, Grif, and get running!" Grif sighed as he began running.

"Now!" Sarge said after a few moments, "Attack!"

Within moments, the red—or "blue"—base was destroyed. Windows were shot at, chucks of the walls were broken, and, being in the mood, Sarge had lit what was left of the base on fire.

"Where in Sam Hell are those damn blues?" Sarge yelled.

"Um. This isn't their base," Donut said quietly.

"Nonsense, this must be it! Our flag was at the other base!"

"Um… Sir," Simmons began. "Their flag is back up."

"…What?"

"He's right," Grif agreed. "You can see it from here."

"…Damnit Grif!" Sarge yelled. "I knew it didn't make a lick of sense when you said they switched the bases on us!"

"Son…of…a…bitch…" Grif muttered, not wanting to argue with his so called "superior."

"But," Sarge continued, "Since our base is now destroyed, and Lopez must fix it—"

"Vaya al infierno retardo," Lopez said, knowing full well he would be understood by no one.

"—We must take shelter in that cave over there—" Sarge pointed to the cave.

"How long has that been there?" Grif wondered aloud.

"—And hope those Blues don't realize our defenses are down."

"…Would they care?" Simmons asked. "They never really try to, ya know, _do anything_."

"…Just get you ass in the cave Simmons," Sarge ordered. "And try not to fuck Grif on the way!"

"Sonofabitch!" Grif and Simmons yelled in unison.


	3. Kat

"God, this sucks," Grif announced for the millionth time.

"For the last fucking time," Simmons began. "We heard you the first time. _Stop telling us_."

"I agree, Sir," Donut said to Sarge. "Those to _do_ make an excellent couple."

"Shut up!" Grif and Simmons shouted in one voice.

Before anyone could continue, Sarge got a call from command. "Hello?" He answered.

"Hey, dude," Vic said. "Heard you blew up your own base. Not cool."

"Oh, right, that," Sarge muttered. "Well, you see, it was all Grif's fault—"

"It was not!" Grif yelled as Simmons smirked at the man's rage.

"—that and those blues came up with a fool proof plan to trick us into do it." Sarge continued.

"Wait, didn't this just switch their flag with ours?" Donut asked.

"Whatever, dude," Vic told him. "You guys have been making way too many screw ups anyway. To prevent you from killing yourselves, we're sending over one of the best soldiers we have. Try to screw this one up like you did the others."

"A new solider?" Sarge said. "That's perfect! Those blues'll never see 'em coming!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Vic sighed. "Just don't die before she comes." With that, Vic hung up, glad to have ended the conversation with the psychopath.

"Hey, Pretty-in-Pink," Sarge shouted. "Check to see if Lopez is done with the base yet. We got a new recruit comin.'"

"Yes, Sir!" Donut said cheerfully as he ran out of the cave to the base.

"Yay." Grif said, unenthusiastically. "A new recruit. Wonderful."

"Shut up, lazy-ass," Simmons ordered.

"Kiss-ass."

***

"Chuuuurcccchhhh," Caboose whined. "Tucker keeps tryin' to shoot meee!"

"How many times do I have to say it?" Church yelled. "I'm not your fucking mother! So stop coming to me with ever damn problem!"

"Yeah, shut up, Caboose!" Tucker agreed, shooting at Caboose but missing horribly.

"God dammit," Church uttered under his breath as he walked back into the base to see a young girl—only 18 at the oldest—with long brown hair coming to her hips. Her purple eyes were aimed into a thick novel she was reading. She wore the rest of her armor witch was black with midnight purple paint slatted on it. She seemed to not notice Church's entrance.

"What the fuck?" Church couldn't help but scream. "Why is there a girl here?"

"'Cause I went clubbing last night!" Tucker answered as he entered the room with Caboose close behind him. "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

Suddenly a knife went flying threw the room, getting stuck in the wall only inches from Tucker's head. "Wow," The girl sighed. "I missed. This never happened before. Creepy…"

"Um, who are you?" Church asked.

"Oh, she must be that new solider command was sending us," Caboose said with a large smile. "Ya know, the one that's here because we screw up too much and she's suppose to be one of the best soilders!"

"And you didn't tell us she was coming because?" Church asked in a annoyed tone.

"I did," Caboose insisted, "in your sleep."

Church merely looked at him for a moment before speaking. "Okay, remind me to _always_ lock my door from now on." He turned to the girl. "So what's your name?"

"Katrin," The girl answered.

"Kathrin?" Tucker asked.

"_Kat_-rin" she corrected

"Kath-bin?" He asked again.

"_Kat_. Rin,"

"Gloria?" Tucker asked.

"What?" the girl asked, before Church hit him in the back of the head. "Just call me Kat," she said.

"Okay, Kitty!" Caboose said sweetly.

"So, Kat," Tucker started walking close to Kat. "You and me. Wanna do something some time."

"How about," Kat began with a large smile, "you stay out of my way, and I forget you even asked that?"

"I think this girl," Church said quietly, smiling behind his helmet.

"Yeah, great." Tucker agreed. "Another Tex."

"What was that?" Asked a voice from behind them. The group spun around to see Tex standing behind them., Rage was strong in her eyes. "What was that suppose to mean, Tucker?"

"I meant, this girl's a total bitch!" Tucker yelled before he was hit in the head with the Kat's helmet. He fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Okay, I_ really _like this girl," Church said, louder as Tex hit him in the back of the head.


	4. Lily Rose

_**Three days later**_

"Nice work, Lopez!" Sarge complemented as the group walked into the newly build base. "Let's just hope Grif doesn't screw it up again!"

"But—agh. Forget it," Grif sighed. "I hate this war."

"All right!" Donut yelled from his room. "You even painted my room hot pink! How'd ya know it was my favorite color?"

"Yes, Lopez," Sarge agreed. "How ever did you know that pink was Nancy boy's favorite color?"

"Cállese," Lopez said before going to his room to escape the stupidity of the room.

"Hehe, good one Lopez," Sarge chuckled. "And once that new solider comes, we'll be able to beat those dirty blues when they least expect it!"

"When _is_ he suppose to come anyway, Sir?" Simmons asked.

"Actually, in just a few moments!" Sarge exclaimed. As if on cue, the large ships came ripping through the sky over the blue base. Before going any further, it hovered over the blue base allowing a bomb to fall from the ship. It then continued to sore to the red base as the blue base exploded.

A young woman—about 20 years of age—emerged from the ship. Her curly brown hair came past her solders and her red eyes shimmered in the light. Her armor was black with gorgeous red flowers growing from a dark vine imprinted on it.

"Lily Rose reporting for duty, Sir," said the girl, saluting to Sarge.

"Wow, look at you solider," Sarge said upon seeing the solider. "You really _are_ a queer!"

"Um, excuse me?" Lily Rose asked, a wave of confusion rushed through her face.

"You even got the breast implants and everything!" Sarge commented. "But don't worry, son, we got a little rule here. It's 'don't ask, don't tell.'"

"Hey, geniuses," Lily Rose said bitterly, "I'm a girl!"

"Of course you are, solider," Sarge ushered. "On the inside!" Before anymore could be said, Lily Rose punched Sarge in the jaw, watching as he fell to the ground.

"Dumbass," She muttered.

"Hi, I'm Grif," Grif said lightheartedly, extending his hand to her. "And I _know_ you're a girl!"

***

"What is he doing?" Kat asked as she and Church, from a distance, watched Caboose running around in circles.

"Oh, Caboose?" He asked. "Don't worry about it. He'll tire himself out eventually."

"Doesn't it get annoying after a while?" She asked.

"Dude, you have no fucking idea," Church answered. "Tucker can be pretty annoying too. Tex can be a total bitch, but really isn't that bad. Just don't piss 'er off. Oh, and Sister, that yellow one, she's not _that_ bad either"

Kat opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Tucker's voice as he dashed to the two. "Guys! The base exploded! One of those fuckers from the Red's blew it up!"

"Oh, sonofabitch!" Church and Kat yelled in unison, making Tucker stop in his tracks.

"Oh, don't tell me she's more like you, Church," he groaned.

"Hey, retard," She yelled, pointing her gun at him. "You have something to say?"

"N-no," he said, backing away slowly. "Just, that the base exploded and maybe w-we should do something about it!"

"How the hell did they even blow it up?" Church asked.

"I don't know, some crazy bitch from the reds came a blew it up from her ship!" Tucker explained.

"Wait, did she have black armer with red roses?" Kat asked.

"Yeah," Tucker said. "Why."

"Oh, I know that bitch!" Kat told them. "She and I were the two best soilders at commanded."

"Wait," Church said. "She's on the Reds?"

"I guess," Kat agreed.

"Crap!" Church screamed. "That means they've got a crazy bitch on their side!"

"Yeah, well why are you complaining?" Tucker asked. "What the hell do you call this?" He pointed his gun at Kat. Kat took his rifle and hit him in the leg with it, making him fall to the ground. "Dammit!" He screamed. "Crazy bitch just broke my leg!"

"Well, in her defense," Church said. "You did have it coming."

***

"So, you're the new solider?" Simmons asked.

"Yes," Lily Rose answered. "I am, but you can call me Lily or Rose or whatever."

"Hey, that was pretty cool how you punched Sarge out like that," Grif complemented.

"Thanks."

"So, listen, um, I don't know of your doing anything later, but—"

"No," Lily Rose answered.

"No meaning you're not doing anything or no to me?"

"Both," she answered. "No offence, but you seem like a lazy, stupid, rude as all Hell, fucktard."

"Burn!" Simmons yelled.

"Shut up!" Grif yelled as Lily Rose walked away, leaving the two men to argue.


End file.
